How to Tell if a Guy is a Loser Over the Internet and What Kind of Makeup to Wear

By Della, Wicked Witch of the Midwest

a woman somewhere in her fifties who doesn’t know anything about love

I have agreed to let the Google spider troll for the content of this blog and to put advertisements here that are presumed to appeal to anyone who bothers to read these pages. Before proceeding, please read the following disclaimers about this agreement.

Disclaimer 1: If you are not a witch you will not be able to decipher the magic potions which I have liberally sprinkled between the Chapters and along the sides of this column in order to provide full services to all of my clients. These may appear to you as simple advertisements for wrinkle cream, wart removal emollients, or depilatory systems, inserted by the google trawler. And if you click on them it is entirely possible you will be levitated out of here to some other websites which might actually help you in some useful way.

Disclaimer 2: However, do not necessarily assume you are not a witch, in which case you may be clicking at your own risk. If you are not quite certain whether you are a witch or not, and if you do not feel ready for your first introduction to quantum mechanics, the MAP kinase pathway of inflammatory cell signaling or spiritual enlightenment, it might be a good idea to avoid clicking any of those advertisement buttons. Not that it would hurt you.

How can you guess whether you are a witch or not? In general, if you have to ask and if you don’t have a PhD you are pretty safe. However, a lot of us are late bloomers. For example, has anybody ever used the B word on you? Don’t be embarrassed, be proud, it may not be exactly what you think.

For example at work: lets say that you are person of some power at work, anything from CEO down to that secretary who can’t take a day off or the entire organization might collapse. Have you ever wondered why someone suddenly exploded at you out of nowhere and called you a B---- when perhaps all you did was express some mild displeasure at their incompetent performance or scream a few scathing insults right before some critical company-wide deadline?

It is possible that this person was using the B word in vain, feeling a little vulnerable that day. On the other hand perhaps you should be aware that this may actually have been one of our sisters recognizing a soul mate, secretly initiating you into the tribe.

We often use the B word to welcome each other now that we have a privacy policy.

You may ask why we need a privacy policy, since witchcraft is no longer a crime. Ha ha. Neither is a chronic medical illness, but tell that to the insurance coverage police and those picketing Congress to avoid any reforms to the antiquated and discriminatory practices of our national institutions. Of course nobody has actually been burnt at the stake for the last 200 years, not even people with pre-existing diabetes. Yet.

Have you not noticed the turn of the tide? Even while the human race has progressed in its tolerance of all races, all religions, 24 hour news channels at all points along the political spectrum and even dating sites that cater to people over 50, an extraordinary backlash is incubating, and I fear there is a real risk of the pendulum swinging back. Hopefully, there is minimal risk of entering into another time of darkness worse than the one that brought us Salem Massachussetts , Enron and the collapse of the real estate market. But there is an angry mob out there, who know so little history that they imagine a tea party is a patriotic custom restricted for American citizens, (those were British citizens throwing tea into the Boston harbor, hello) yet claiming that our President is not a true citizen, because he, like all participants in the real Boston tea party had foreign ancestry. If even the President gains no immunity in the national press from an ignorant, predjudiced mob, we may all no longer be safe! Even witches. Hence our privacy policy.

But enough politics. I sound like some rabid liberal from MSNBC, and I don’t know about you, but when Keith Olberman comes on I flip the channel.…..uh….that is I flip it after salivating a little, first. Wow. Talk about eye candy for middle aged women! I love the way he throws those balled up wads of paper at me! Do you think he loves me?

HOW TO TELL IF A GUY OVER FIFTY IS A LOSER OVER THE INTERNET AND WHAT MAKEUP TO WEAR

That's the beauty of the Internet. You don't need to wear any makeup. So go wash your face and give your pores a rest for now, because the dating part of this course will be addressed in a later column. And if you are actually are following my advice, don't forget to turn off the webcam.

In order to tell if a guy is a loser, sometimes you need to be a little bit of a detective. All detectives these days start on the Internet. So first:

JUST GOOGLE HIM

Caveat: I am not going to use this particular column to go into advanced internet practice, since the purpose here is to cover basic introductory concepts, enabling you to weed out most of the men you meet before they break your heart. Next week I promise to do a column on HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM A BROKEN HEART BY INTERNET WITH 96% accuracy which will contain explicit directions for obtaining legal records, quantifying the settlement(s) his ex-wife (wives) got, and ruling out the possibility that he has any abandoned children, pregnant teenaged lovers, or abused pets. So even if I can’t help you find a boyfriend it is very likely you will leave this course fully equipped to open a private detective agency. Meanwhile, please stay on task, students.

Here is what you should consider:

1. WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND HIM ANYWHERE ON GOOGLE AFTER TRYING EVERY KEYWORD YOU CAN THINK OF

He is either an illegal alien, using an assumed name (and it would have to be an awfully creative name), or he does not own a computer. Or a telephone. In any of those cases, this one is easy….

THIS IS A LOSER

2. WHEN GOOGLE ONLY BRINGS UP HIS NAME AND ADDRESS

THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY A LOSER

…..unless you are a gold digger, that is, but if so what are you doing reading this column? Go get yourself a bottle of Clairol, squeeze into that gold lame dress (don’t forget plenty of underwiring, you are over fifty) and spend the rest of your rent money on an opera ticket. The man of your dreams is there.

Look for the guy snoring up in the center box, next to the grey haired wife.

And a hex on you!!!! (Ooops we don’t really do that anymore. Usually. So if you find a wart on your nose tomorrow morning please do not necessarily blame me).

Back to the guy with nothing but a name and address on google, understand that must be quite a maverick who can remain, for almost an entire decade, under the radar of the google spider.

OK, maybe he just doesn’t get out much.

So he may not have set the world on fire, but maybe he is a nice guy, and since you have at least found his name and address in the phone book, you know you have his real name and he is very likely NOT to be an illegal alien.

Caveat: not all illegal aliens are losers, especially if they might want to marry you and are willing to repair things around your house while going to night school. Unless they have another family in Mexico.

For example if you google my two ex-boyfriends, Frank and Will, all you will get for either one of them is a name and address. And they were both wonderful boyfriends. Until Frank dumped me three times (although it is not clear whether he knew about it the third time). Will only dumped me once (in between the first and second time that I was deeply in love with Frank) but he did it so badly I could not allow any do-overs in his case. A woman has to have some self respect, even when she doesn’t.

So this may be a situation where you might, thinking it over, not want to take my advice.
After all, if I had ditched all the men with only a name and address on google, I might have avoided all the love and pain that I wasted on Frank and Will. The risk being, of course, that if you eliminate this entire subcategory as being people you do not want to date, there might not be anybody left who wants to date you.

So I am advising you not to eliminate this category. Sue me.

3. WHEN GOOGLE HAS 350 HITS ABOUT HIM AND HIS WIFE…

….. who happens to be a 30 year old gorgeous blonde nurse with size D cups who takes care of AIDS patients and works part time in a soup kitchen. Many of these hits you are now obsessively reading about this fantastic couple which pierce your heart like daggars describe how generous they have been with their very large fortune, donating to the symphony and attending major charity social functions in your town, and, (most importantly for you to consider in case you are still wavering in your decision here), several of these citations are from the past month or two. Ouch.

LOSER

You, I mean. Not him, evidently.

If you are googling this guy because he flirted with you last week when you were buzzing him in for a meeting with your boss, the City Planning Commissioner, this does not necessarily make him a loser, just a victim of pants one size too small. If so, he probably dated me in the past.

But this is not my type, and I hope you don’t think he is your type, because he doesn’t.

4. WHEN GOOGLE ONLY HAS THREE OR FOUR HITS AND WHAT YOU MANAGE TO LEARN IS THAT THE GUY GAVE SOME INTRODUCORY REMARKS TO INTRODUCE HIS BOSS DURING HIS WIDGET COMPANY’S ANNUAL SALES CONVENTION AT THE EMBASSY SUITES IN LITTLE ROCK….

…..and by judicious employment of several other search records you find court records that prove he is definitely divorced, the kids are grown, and his wife is self supporting. Furthermore, you do not find any court records to suggest he was arrested in your town (or in Little Rock) for a three year old speeding ticket, a drunken brawl, or cavorting with a heroine addicted teenager.
NOT A LOSER

Caveat: Complete lack of speeding tickets of any kind is not required here. Not all speeding tickets make somebody a loser. For example all of my speeding tickets have been totally unfair.
So if you do see a few "paid up" tickets on his record, give him a chance to explain HOW IT HAPPENED. Even if indefensible, the story is bound to be amusing. If not, we will discuss at a later time “How to tell the difference between a shy guy and a terminally boring guy, and whether it matters.”

But the important question is whether he pays his speeding tickets. This is crucial. Especially if he has ignored a speeding ticket from Little Rock because he hasn’t been back there in three years and was driving a rental car. This suggests exactly how he might evaluate his relationship with a woman over fifty.

5. WHEN HE SUBSCRIBES TO MATCH.COM

Sorry, ladies, I have done this research the hard way. There is an 80% chance this guy is a

LOSER

On the other hand, if you think about those odds, they may be better than the likelihood of finding a decent man by going on the bar circuit, joining the Friends of the Ballet, or signing up for a graduate course in botany. Maybe even better than taking up golf, especially if your thighs are not your best asset and you can’t hit a ball.

I have done fairly well over the years hanging out at the Bass Pro Shop, but who wants to spend three hours staring at rubber waders and fishing tackle just to get a date with a guy who doesn’t know an overpriced hardware store when he sees one.

So, OK. Maybe you should try MATCH.COM. If you must, here are some proven tips.

MATCH.COM: THE BEST ODDS OF GETTING A DATE IF YOU ARE OVER FIFTY AND THEY ARE NOT GOOD

1. THIS IS NOT FREE

If you plan to do anything more than fantasize your social life, in other words if you actually would like to try to get a date, you need to accept that this process is not free. Of course if you think that you are getting something valuable by looking over the stilted mug shots they let you stalk over without joining, and reading the first half of the profiles of men in your town, OK.

But then again, if all you want to do is look, why waste your time on those tired old mugs? Just grab last week's People Magazine out of your neighbors trash instead, and you can fantasize about Brad Pitt instead! Whatever they are writing about Brad in People is likely to be at least as accurate as the first half of your local guys profiles at Match.com. Come to think of it, I wish he would lose all that face hair he has been wearing to disguise himself from Angelina when he is sneaking out with Jen, but that’s another story….

So either go out and get the free magazine from your neighbor’s trash now…..or pay for a month’s subscription to Match.com, in which case keep reading because there are some very important things you need to know about….

EFFICIENT USE OF MATCH.COM

or….how to weed out 80% of the losers just by reading the profile.

Are you good at algebra? If not, you may have to trust me. If you can get rid of 80% of the losers just by reading the profiles, you will be left with 36% of the original line up of guys you considered as possibilities.

The actual number of profiles left in that lineup will depend on how large the roster was in the beginning, and so it is important how you formulate your roster in the first place, such as whether you want to cut off the age of your date candidates at five years younger than you, ten years younger than you or fifteen years younger than you.

If you use the cutoff of fifteen years younger than you, and you are not planning to pay for sex, you are dreaming. If you use five, that narrows the field dramatically. Maybe fatally. I recommend the ten year cutoff, since if you follow the makeup and hair advice I will give you in my next column, it is quite likely you can attract someone five years younger than you, which is exactly the age of most guys claiming to be ten years younger than you.

If we accomplish nothing else in this course, perhaps I can convince you that it is no good contemplating any kind of dating after fifty unless you brush up on your math. You can try subtle adjustments in your lipstick shade or the thickness of your SPANX, but the bottom line about dating over 50 is that it is a numbers game! The more candidates on your roster, the more likely something is going to click. Sooner or later. Be patient.

So if you are really smart, if you are really ready for dating, you have probably done the most important calculation of all without being told by me. Which is….

Once you have weeded down your candidates to 36% of the original line up (which means deleting the 64% who, in your estimation after a little coaching from me, are the most likely to be losers), you are still going to be left with an adulterated population in which 20% of that 36% (7.2% of the original population) are still losers!

Was that too complicated? All you really have to remember is that 1 out of 5 of the men you contact on Match.com, even after the most careful screening, will be a loser.

And the bad news is that 3 of the four that you have left are probably looking for a thirty year old blonde. Which leaves 20% of the men left after prescreening the profile (or 7.2% of the original roster) who might make an acceptable date for you.

But the really bad news is, that within that last 20% (7.2% of the original population) you have to factor in all the stuff that I can’t help you with such as morbid obesity, political incompatibility, annoying high pitched voice, and bad breath, his or yours. Now do you see what you are up against?

Keep your chin up, girls, you are looking for that gold nugget, the nice guy who is perfect for you, and he is in there somewhere among the small minority of candidates you have left. Oooops I almost forgot one more thing.

I almost forgot the bald faced liars. I mean the guys who may look good at the end of this rigorous process simply because they are really are NOT WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE.

Of course we only mean the truly bald faced liars, we are going to have to be reasonable and give exemptions for the little minor fibs about age, height and weight which, if you can’t accept a 10-20% leeway on those, you would be in danger of eliminating the entire roster of men over fifty.

It takes a little time to weed the bald faced liars out, in fact sometimes it may take two years of dating the guy (for more details see my column from yesterday about Will, the ex-boyfriend who will never get a do-over from me).

But now that I am even older and wiser than I was in my early fifties, I may be in a position to provide some tips about how to detect a bald faced liar before he seduces you. Look for a column entitled “Bald faced liars are even lying when they admit their real age which it isn’t.” I may have that one ready by next week. Or the week after. There is so much ground to cover. Such as:

HOW TO CREATE A ROSTER OF CANDIDATE BOYFRIENDS ON MATCH.COM IN THE FIRST PLACE

The rules are simple: Pick an age range (see recommendations above) and apply NO FILTERS.

Yes, I am telling you to consider all heights, sizes, income brackets, educational levels, ethnicities, political persuasions and religions. Remember you are over fifty and after eliminating 64% of the available population who are likely to be losers, and then rescreening your way down to be left with 7.2% of the original roster this may not leave you anyone to date if you are too picky about the small stuff.

Besides, take a hard look in mirror at yourself, girl. Now unsuck your tummy, take off the mascara, go out in a big wind and look again. You think he is getting such a prize? Just joking, if you have any sense he will NEVER BE ALLOWED to see you that way.

But seriously, these days people from our generation are very accepting of couples where the girl towers over the guy, one or both of you is morbidly obese, or you are of different educational or social background, different ethnicities or religions.

Would you rather be alone? I thought not.

HOW TO ELIMINATE 80% OF THE LOSERS FROM YOUR ROSTER JUST BY READING THE PROFILE

Here is who to eliminate from the candidate pool:

1. Recent widowers:

Trust me if he puts in his profile that he was recently widowed, he isn’t interested in dating. This is the case whether he ever had a wife or not.

Some of these guys really are recent widowers who will never find another woman who measures up until they stop defining themselves by the widower state. However, one “recent widower” with whom I had quite a nice correspondence for a while was actually a would be writer who wanted to experience Match.com to get material for a BLOG.

I thought that was a great idea. Obviously.

He still hasn’t agreed to actually go out with me, though, and I am beginning to suspect that his wife is not dead.

Win some, lose some.

2. Never married:

If you see this in somebody's profile, run like hell. Unless you want another adolescent son.

3. Anyone who refers to recent rejection in his pen name or in the first sentence of his profile

Actually I know a darling man who belongs in this category. I met him on Match.com years ago and remain in sporadic contact to this day, but I was smart enough not to hope to actually ever meet him in person, regardless of what I so dearly wished I was dumb enough to hope for.

If your goal is to find someone to date, lose this profile.

4. Separated

Men who describe themselves as separated on Match.com are usually either the walking wounded who are not ready to date or else pathological liars (aka his wife does not know they are separated. Because they aren't.) You are probably better off eliminating all of these profiles, but, if you have a very strong ego, you might find someone nice in this category, somebody, say, who had a tepid marriage anyway and was actually relieved when his wife got a job in another city and moved away. Sort of like my husband. (I don’t have time to explain that now, don't worry about it).

Anyway, finding this mentally healthy and non liar version of the separated man (or woman, in other words me,) entails a whole lot of weeding through a long line of losers, and sometimes it even takes a few dates before you can separate a keeper from a loser. This is because there is no one nicer and more gentlemanly than a cheat. I will address this in the future in a column entitled “If he brings you flowers on the first date he is a married cheater.”

And I will also point out that it is unlikely his wife has gotten any flowers in the past twenty years. I am just saying…..

5. Men who do not drink.

I once got all the way through the weeding out process against my better judgment (because of a really cute picture) and actually set up a first date with a man who put it out prominently in his profile that he does not drink. He wanted to meet me in a local bar, and I agreed, forgetting what he had said in his profile. I can be excused for this because I was juggling emails from five potential suitors at the same time. But if you are impressed by that, none of them worked out. OK?

So we got to this bar, and he was really cute, just like his picture, and he asked me what I might want and I said a beer. And then he ordered coffee.

And so I wondered, what were we doing there? Starbucks was right next door.

But the real giveaway was that there was alcohol on his breath and he had just been fired by his boss, who was, he carefully explained in an over articulated manner, a paranoid asshole. And a few more introductory remarks just as appealing. For example, he had decided that afternoon not to look for another job because he was planning to start his own day-trader business on the internet, and his friend who was doing that kind of thing part time, was making 6 big ones a year.
Men who say they do not drink on Match.com are virtually always alcoholics. Exemptions for Baptist Ministers, of course, so just check the occupation section before deleting the guy.

Caveat: It should be pointed out that not all alcoholics are losers, but if they want to put a profile on Match.com they should identify themselves as truck drivers, bank managers, or a guy who loves to play the guitar, not as a person who does not drink. Most women over fifty who are serious about finding a nice guy could not care less whether you actually drink or not, and at our age we can get plenty of buzz from sharing a coffee with you. But unfortunately, since the vast majority of men on Match.com who “do not drink” are men who drink too much, those people with a medical problem in reasonable control need to find a way to separate themselves out or, regrettably I cannot advise any smart woman to keep them in the roster.

6. What about gay men?

Match.com is not a “friend service.” And it is anonymous. There is no incentive for anyone to pretend this is anything but a middle aged hookup. So rest assured, you are unlikely to meet a gay man there if you are “a woman looking for a man,” whether he is in or out of the closet in real life.

The exception, in theory, might be some confused gay guy who is not sure who he is. But at our age how likely is that?

Unless there is a computer glitch or something. Still, if you happen to get an accidental date with a gay man who thought he was meeting Joe, not Jo, relax, order some dinner, and enjoy yourself. He will.

7. Incurable Romantics

There are quite a few incurable romantics on Match.com, so many in fact that they have to put long series of numbers after their title in order to get a unique profile. Perhaps this approach might temp a few extremely lonely women who recently overdosed on bodice ripping airplane novels, but even so, if you are over fifty you must know better. Here is a classic example:

“Watch out, ladies, I am in incurable romantic. I will wine you. I will dine you. I will kiss you goodbye every time I leave the room. I will be loyal to you forever. I will take care of you always. Do you hate receiving jewelry on your birthday, at Christmas, and on each monthly anniversary of our first date? Then don’t contact me!”

Trust me, don’t. This guy obviously hasn’t gotten any in twenty years and there is probably a good reason for that.

7. Men who can’t spell.

You are discouraged from using educational level as a filter, there are some wonderful diamonds in the rough out there who will go to museums and concerts, read books, and make intelligent conversation just as well as any Harvard graduate. And they often have a motorcycle, if you like that. I do.

But do yourself a favor and do not go to 1st base with a guy who is so mentally sloppy that he never learned to spell. The chances that he is inarticulate, insensitive, clueless, and wearing dirty underwear are high. We are not worrying about the occasional typo, but beware of men who write that they are censure, or that they love to tock, hold you closed, treat you like a laddie, or travail to Parass. You think I made any of that up? Read a few of the profiles at Match.com.

Caveat: There are probably some nice guys with good jobs who might be great dates and really have some kind of disability with spelling. All I can say is that if they really want to make the kind of effort required to treat you like a lady, they should get some help from a friend in preparing their profile online.

HOMEWORK:

The homework is optional in this course. But if you follow the guidelines I have outlined above and you create your roster of potential dates and then eliminate at least most of those who fit the criteria above (even if you cheat a little for the guys with the cutest photographs) you will see that you are down to at least 64% of the original roster with a standard deviation of less than 10%. Try it and you will see. Or don't try it. It never got me the love of my life.

Tomorrow we can discuss HOW TO ELIMINATE THE CANDIDATES WHO ARE GOING TO ELIMINATE YOU. Now here is an area where I am a worldclass scholar. You might want to pay some attention to that one.

Have a good night.

Della

Wicked Witch of the Midwest